Whenever I bring this subject up to my husband he thinks I'm crazy. I stumbled across a blog today about bonding with your second child. The lady felt that things were just so different than the first. She put into words a lot of things I had been feeling. I think a lot of moms find it hard to comprehend loving another child as much as their first...until it happens, but I've been feeling a lot of GUILT about having a second child. I want her. I would be devastated if anything happened to my pregnancy. I'm planning for her. I look forward to her. And oddly (at least right now) my guilt isn't about her getting the attention Riley did/does or loving her less per say, but my guilt is all directed at Riley. As a stay at home mom and with Craig working a lot since Riley was born, my every second is devoted to him. From the moment I wake up till he's in bed. And often I lie awake at night thinking of him. All of our activities are planned around and for him. I don't have hobbies, and although we have date nights, I rarely go anywhere without Riley and if I do it's hard to enjoy myself. Can a mother be obsessed? I cater to his every need and he's completely spoiled :) The guilt comes when I think of having to explain to him that I can't play cars because I have to feed baby sister. Or we can't go to the park because baby sister is asleep. Or I can't read him two books before bed because baby sister is crying. His world is going to be rocked! I have confidence he will adjust and be grateful for his sister someday, but I just feel so devastated on his behalf. It breaks my heart to think of disappointing him, giving him less attention, making him feel jealous, or him doubting my love for him.
People ask if I am ready for baby girl to be here. The answer is no...not yet. I'm terrified. I know that we will love her to pieces, but I hope he will too.
Perhaps there's just too many pregnancy hormones going on here?!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Adding a second child...
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5 comments:
Oh, Cassie, I remember having those same thoughts. There just couldn't be another baby I would love as much, and I just knew that Kevin would feel slighted. However, after we brought Alison home, I found out that my love didn't divide--it multiplied!!! And it happened every time thereafter! It is so hard to explain, but you will find the same thing will happen to you! And believe me, Riley will be entertained by his little sister!
Cassie, I also remember these feelings. I can definitely identify with you because I doted on Julian's every move from the day he was born! Laura is so right about how love multiplies. One of my favorite quotes from this past conference was "there is seemingly no end to the expansive capacity to love." I remember one day after Ella Grace was born, Julian woke up from a nap on the wrong side of the bed and just wanted to be held, but I was feeding Ella Grace. He said between sobs, "mama! put Ella Grace down!" and it about broke my heart. But honestly, that was the only time I ever remember Julian displaying any sign of feeling slighted because of his new sister. He absolutely LOVES her. And the great thing about having your little girl close to Riley is that he is still very much in his own little world, so for a while when she's still sleeping constantly, he often won't even notice she's there. This provides a nice, gradual introduction of baby sister into the family for him. Some things I did to prepare were: find some books on becoming a big brother, a friend lent me a baby doll that he got to practice holding and being sweet and gentle to (also, we practiced how he shouldn't touch the baby's eyes) (to clarify, this wasn't us encouraging our son to PLAY with dolls...this was a way for him to be around a little baby, that's it), we talked about her really excitedly with him "you are going to have a new baby sister! A new friend! She is going to love you so much!" etc...
I know it's scary, but it is going to be okay, I promise! And it will be good for Riley too because he'll learn even more about sharing and also about being compassionate when she is sad, etc.
And nothing will fill your heart with more joy than the day they start smiling at each other and making each other laugh! It is absolutely magical! And remember that Heavenly FAther is sending her to you at this time for a great purpose, and He wants everyone in your family to be happy and knows what will help give Riley the best opportunities to become the person he is meant to be:)
Sorry...I just wrote you a novel.
Cassie, I know that I will be feeling this way when we have our second baby. I can't even imagine how hard it will be but I've seen so many people do it successfully so I know that we will be able to as well. My sister just had her second and her oldest has only had a few minutes of jealously. Other than that he has adjusted really well - I'm sure Riley will too.
Hey Cassie! Try not to worry so much, which is super hard, I know! But everything will be fine. I promise! Christian cried for a month straight after we brought Damon home, but they are absolute best friends now. Just make sure that you spend some one on one time with Riley... It'll take him a little time, but he'll adjust to the new life and he'll love it.
P.S. Lots of prayers for little Riley and yourself work wonders.
It'll be beautiful :)
Are you guys coming to Florida any time soon? We miss you guys! :)
I think it sounds like you both need this "baby sister" ha ha. Really it's good for them and that's coming from me who you know how Addi wanted nothing to do with me when she met Halle. It all falls into place and it's not always easy but it's good and will be fine. It's important for them to learn patience and that they don't always get what they want when they want it.
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